As I made the promise of keeping my blog as real as possible I thought I'd let you get to know me better.
Over the past few years I have been fighting a on going battle with something I knew nothing about.
I thought I was alone - I thought I was just stranger than what I already am.
And it wasn't until it all got to much - my world started spinning out of control and I had no way of controlling it.
I had no idea what was really happening to me.
I've always been shy since I was young.
I was never outgoing - it just never appealed to me.
I was always the little girl who never really had any friends.
And i'm still the same girl now.
I keep myself to myself and I leave the outgoingness to everyone else.
I thought I was normal - whatever normal is.
And it wasn't until the anxiousness got out of control.
I had no control over my body what so ever.
I found it hard to breath - think.
The unpleasant thoughts were drowning my mind.
I needed help.
There was no way of controlling my breathing - I thought I was going to die.
There was no explanation as to why I was the way I was.
The worry got worse.
It made me sick.
I didn't know what was happening to me, or what caused it.
I got told I was having a panic attack - what the hell is a panic attack I thought?
What ever it was I didn't like; I just wanted it to stop.
Eventually it did after around twenty minutes.
Lucky my sister was with me - she suffers with them also.
She said I needed help; I made a doctors appointment.
But they still carried on; they got worse.
I started self harming - It seemed to help.
The pain it released - the need for release.
But I still got worse.
I got addicted, until I got help.
It was clear to them I was sick.
She got me help - the help I really needed.
I started counselling three weeks ago.
I'm no longer alone.
I have someone to talk to - express my feeling.
She didn't palm me off with pills - she listed.
I got diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic attacks.
But I was getting help.
I feel better - I get my feeling off my chest.
I get given tasks to complete - to get me to my goals.
It was clear to her was was wrong with me.
I never went out.
If I did it resulted in me either having a panic attack or anxious thoughts swarming my mind.
Thinking the worst was going to happen.
But it wasn't.
I'm not going to get better with the click of my fingers - it takes time - patience.
But i'm willing to be patient.
Everyone gets anxiety - some worse than others.
Some just worry about normal things like exams.
Others don't - they worry to a much severer extent.
I know I won't be cured - but i'm no longer alone.
There is someone out there to talk.
You will no longer be alone.
If you're dealing with the same feeling talk to someone.
It was the worst decision of my life not talking because it made me worse.
After the first time you talk it gets easier.
It doesn't have to be a doctor - parents, friends or family will listen.
Don't shut them away to build up.
Chances are there are hundreds of other people going through the same thing.
You are NOT alone.